This article is for the rest of the family: the people who have never had anything to do with gambling, and who suddenly find out that someone they love is more than just hooked on it.
Things get even harder as the secrets the gambler has been carrying start to come out. And the sad part is that, even then, they don't come out completely. Even after the big secret is revealed, the gambler usually keeps some things to himself. He still doesn't tell the people closest to him the whole truth.
Why the truth comes out in pieces
Why does this happen? Because the gambler, forced to admit part of what he has done, is ashamed, and he's afraid of tomorrow. Now he has two crosses to carry. The addiction wasn't enough. Now he also has to face everything the addiction has produced.
He has to find a way to live with both. For the first time, he has to answer to someone for a lot of things, and that isn't easy. He has to account for his past: what he did, and what went backwards because of it. The bank may call the house to say the loan repayments are behind. Debts may appear that nobody knew about, and that now have to be paid.
So be ready for this: what you've learned today may not be everything. Each new piece will feel like a new betrayal. If I could ask one thing of families, it would be this: make the whole truth easier to say than half of it. A person who knows that every new confession will start a new war will keep the rest hidden.
Not the police, the interrogator or the judge
Dear reader, finding out that someone you love is addicted to something that can feel like it has no way back is never easy, and it makes nobody happy. But the gambler has to be met with complete calm, and as much understanding of the problem as you can find.
The first thing I'd advise anyone who has just found out is this: don't make the mistake of becoming the critic, the police officer, the interrogator and the judge. When you find out, sit down calmly with the gambler next to you. Try, calmly and with a clear head, to get as much information as you can about what has been happening all this time.
The money is gone
I know very well that none of this is pleasant, and none of it is easy. But here we have to look at the hard reality. The gambler has lost things, and most of them are money. And we have to say it plainly: that money doesn't come back. It's gone for good.
It's truly pointless to expect the gambler to recover the money he has lost. And it's worse than pointless. “You'll get it back” is exactly what he has been telling himself every night, and it's the very thought that keeps a gambler playing. Never ask him to win it back. Count it as lost, draw a line under it, and put your energy into what's still left, and into tomorrow.
I know it sounds harsh. But that's the heart of this article: what do we do from here on, to carry on our lives with this person and their habit?
Your anger is fair
You're completely right, dear reader, to ask: why is this happening to me? What you worked for and built over years may have been torn down by the very person you trusted all that time. And suddenly you learn that it has all gone down the drain, for a habit, for an addiction. It's terrible, I know. I've lived it. I've made people very sad because of me.
Your anger is justified. Your sense of injustice is choking you. I'm saying all this so that you watch out for one thing: don't let it bring you to the point of fighting and shouting with the gambler, and adding even more tension to everything. Believe me, temper and rows won't get you anywhere. They won't cure an illness. They'll pour more oil on a fire that's already burning, and things will get worse.
Of course, that doesn't mean you should tell him what he wants to hear. Not at all. That's the hard part, and it's yours: with good sense and understanding, you have to put things in order with this person.
Two goals
To everyone who has never had anything to do with gambling: please put logic above everything, and listen carefully. I want to give you two goals.
Goal one: stopping completely
Your goal is for this person to stop gambling completely. There's no middle way with this problem. Either you manage it and save your lives, or you live alongside the person and their habit, and the problem goes on and on without ever being solved. That isn't what you want.
So first of all it takes a conversation with the gambler: put everything on the table, and set one single goal, stopping. You can't stop for him. Only he can do that. But you can make it clear that this is the goal, and that you're on the side of that goal. It isn't easy, and it took me time. But it can be done. I promise you, because I've been through it, and I made it.
Goal two: the relationship
The second goal is just as important: keep your relationship with this person, and if you can, make it better. Of course, a lot depends on where your relationship stands right now.
If you really want to help this person, the first thing to work on is your relationship with them. That will be the foundation for rebuilding trust between you, so that the first problem, the gambling, can be solved. If the relationship has no solid ground under it, and there are cracks between you, it's very hard to solve the gambling too.
Look after yourself too
One more thing, and it matters. You're not the one with the gambling problem, but you're carrying it too. You're allowed to protect your own money, and your children's. You're allowed to be tired. And you don't have to do this alone: the helplines I list on this site take calls from family members too, not only from gamblers.
And if you decide to walk away
If you decide to take the gambler out of your life, that is a legitimate choice, and nobody can blame you for it. Very few people find the strength to do everything I've described above.
But if you truly love this person, it's honestly worth trying. And in the end, you may find that all of this effort proved you right.
